Tao of Maoi

So it begins… We begin in Philadelphia and let’s see if PA represents…

Joey Catalano -he lost over 204lbs? At least Simon is still the biggest ass in the room! Argh a Maroon 5 song to start with… At least the guy can sing. Still looks like a freak though. I liked how he asked if he could approach the judges… You must get permission!!! LOL. Oh and I love Simon’s remarks regarding his weight loss. How useless. He’s just trying to be funny and missing out…

Alaa Youakeem-Next we have a the gap-toothed Borat guy. He loves America and he loves American girls! And he says he has a sexy face! OH and he’s a virgin saving himself for the right girl! Watching the judges trying to pronounce his name is like watching chimpanzees trying to form their first words. He can’t sing and he’s only here on TV for us to make fun of him. So will the producers at least give him pudding? Now it is fun watching Simon trying to get Paula to insult him is pretty funny. Randy tells him to keep it real, unlike Randy’s facial hair.

Melanie Nyema- She sang back-up for Taylor Hicks and let’s not hold that against her. She should really stay in the back too. She stinks. So I guess we have our next winner. Seriously, her performance was bad.

James Lewis: His coworkers encouraged him to tryout and they must be complete bastards. What the fuck is coming out of his mouth? Is he doing whippets? That’s what it sounds like! Nitrous-Oxide city! Then he offers to sing something else… LET HIM SING! Oh he’s singing. Wow, it’s so awful. This is great. Next year he’ll have more contemporary songs, because that’s what he needs.

Nick Stano- Just bad.

ZhengZhong Yu- kill me now

Junot Joyner- You can tell there’s a good singer because Simon gets an odd look in his eyes. I liked how his sister took off her shoes to celebrate.

Jose Candelaria- Opera? Or Ricky Martinez?

Jonathan Baines- Oh let him get in the top ten. Good voice and cool look.

Temptress Brown-She’s sixteen and plays football. I think she’s the offensive line. My God their rolling in her mother on a forklift I think. She does seem like a nice kid. Simon’s even being nice to her. See he does have a modicum of class. Too bad she can’t sing. Crap she’s crying.

Mark Hayes - He can do a cricket sound, but he can’t sing.

Udgeet “udi” Sampat- This guy thinks he can dance. Unfortunately he’s the only one. His friends say he sounds like Barry Manilow. Actually he sounds like ass. He’s singing “My Way”- We wish he would go away.

“I Love Rock and Roll”- Just so you know, this isn’t in front of the judges. They film these people separately. Just check out Vote for the worst and you get the full story.

Alexis Cohen - She’s a pretty cool artist and fucking CRAZY. God I hope she’s single! God love her, you can tell she’s nervous. She’s not as bad as I thought she would be with the build-up. She’s just bad, not awful. The judges recommend she join a cover band and that might be a good idea for her. BOY is she angry! Simon is comparing her to Willem Defoe and yes she does look like him. LOL Now she’s going for actessing. God save us all.

OK I don’t know who the brunette is, but her mom is HOT. Let’s more of her and less of the fucktards.

Angela Martin - WOW BEAUTIFUL. Crap she can sing. You can tell when a pro steps up. It’s like night and day. She’s top ten.

Alyse Wojciechowksi (eat that spell check!) - Hot little shaking girl. Very cute. Let’s bring it on. Boy did she bring it on! That’s a no? She seemed in tune, just a little shrill which comes from oversinging. Give another chance. She’s cute. If you can’t find talent, get hotties at least.

Teresa Anello- I have her frozen on the DVR with her mouth open. Let’s just leave her that way…

Brandi Park- HOLY CRAP it’s an Ann Wilson nightmare.

Milo Turk- A guy with leopard vest. He wants to sing “no sex allowed” and with a face like that- don’t worry! Which is surprising because he’s dressed like he’s ready for action!!!

Kristy Lee Cook- HOT and she’s a cage-fighter! That’s good because control of the octagon is important in this competition. OH, she can sing. We have the winner! Best part, if the competition ends up in a tie- we can have a CAGE FIGHT!

Subway Commercial- YAY- hot girl with esteem issues! Bring her on!

Ben Haar -What’s under the cloak? OH God he’s dressed as Princess Leia. Please kill us all. So they want him to wax his chest hair and come back. The Fools going to do it! And he came back waxed! Just for the judges. I just feel sorry for the fat girl who gave up her costume for this.

Pedro Rivera- sad.

Shekhinah Bathyehudah (Eat it spell check!)-just scary. I think it might be a guy. nice boa though.

Paul Marturano- Oh a love song for Paula - great another stalker! TASE HIM! Too bad he’s just playing around. I prefer the real psychos. I DO like the line “If I were Colombo, I’d Peter Falk her!” Great.

Oh and Paula is looking a little Micheal Jacksonish in the complexion.

Beth Stalker- Cute blond alert. Very old-fashioned voice, but good. Let her through Simon! She’s through and hopefully we’ll see her again.

Chris Watson- A black guy singing a song by Uncle Cracker? Fortunately for the irony police he’s a good singer. Very good.

Christina Tolisano- A Star Wars chick, but she looks like Jim Carrey when he played Olga on “In Living Color”! She has a Princess Leia hair! Oh God she’s scary. WOW, she’s not a bad singer. Not good, but not awful. Wow is she mad. Now if she wore her hair down, she looked a lot nicer.

Brooke White - Wow an Aly lookalike. Where’s AJ? She’s NEVER seen a rated R movie! Oh and she can sing. Like I said- Night and day. The difference is unbelievable.

So they picked 29 people and we saw what seven? The sad part is that they already know who they have picked their main people and they are just giving us a taste.

So they have claimed that the show will be different this season? Did anyone else see anything different? Even Simon is still wearing the same shirts!