1- Lindsay Lohan will take over as the drunken female judge and shock middle America when she begins making out with one of the female contestants. She’ll then text all her friends about it in a rambling 3000 word message that will be posted all over the internet and then become a national best-selling self-help book called “IM RLY KRUNKD N I LCKD A GRL!”
2- Simon’s t-shirts will grow increasingly tight as the season wears on and during the semi-finals his nipples, stiff from all the excitement, will bust through and create a media hellstorm of biblical proportions. Senate hearings will take place and the entire 2008 Presidential Election will be thrown into disarray as the two major candidates spar over how much nipple is too much nipple for broadcast television. South Park will even do an episode where Stan becomes a giant nipple and is crucified for believing in evolution.
3-Drinking games revolving around the Randy’s use of the word “dawg” will become so popular on college campuses that at least three freshman die due to alcohol poisoning when the rule that you have to do a beer-bong every time he mentions he played with Journey is added mid-season.
4-Ryan Seacrest will be replaced by a Japanese robot named Ishuru and nobody notices.
5-A surgically-enhanced Marmot named “Skinny Pete” not only wows the judges with his version of Sly Fox’s “Let’s Go All The Way” during the auditions, he goes on to make it to the top four only to be eliminated when he farts while singing “You Light Up My Life” and then argues with the judges over his choice of tutus.
6-So many people will vote during the finals that the entire Eastern seaboard will fall into anarchy and the dead begin to walk the earth.
7- Al Gore will host one week in a “Global Warming” themed show. Not only will he claim he invented rock and roll, but he’ll state that if everyone doesn’t do what he says he’ll sing “Calling Occupants of Interplanetary Craft” in Esperanto.
8- Micheal Jackson, fearful of the hot lights melting his face, will appear via satellite and plead with the contestants to stop picking on him and believe that his music can save them all from every growing old. Then a chimpanzee name Steamer will perform “Man in the Mirror” while dressed as Jackie Kennedy. Simon will be so moved by the performance he’ll state that it was the best he’s ever seen in any of the shows.
9- Theme weeks will include: Hee-Haw, Lawrence Welk, Statler Brothers, Sex Pistols, and Sha Na Na.
10- Guest judges for the auditions will include Right Said Fred (just the bass player), Andrew Ridgely, Shakira’s hair-stylist, Avril Lavigne’s husband, and Nikki Sixx.
11- Taylor Hicks will return from a successful string of gigs on cruise ships and opening used car lots to perform his new single “Please kill me now”. Unfortunately, nobody will.
12- People auditioning for the show will include:
- a woman dressed as an organic burrito
- six Mexican midgets who call themselves “El Carne”
- a man who drives a Sherman tank on weekends
- conjoined triplets (only only sings, one is her manager, and the third has Tourette’s Syndrome)
- a schizophrenic who believes that God is living inside his iPod
- a talking dog named “Booger Jones”
- the entire staff of the Toledo Hooters
- a trio consisting of a mother, her daughter, and their maid who is an illegal immigrant from Guatemala
- A guy who does ventriloquism with a sock puppet. The judges pass the sock puppet to Hollywood but not the guy. Unfortunately, the sock puppet can’t seem to remember the words and is sent home the first night.
- A man wearing nothing but a hubcap from a ‘57 Chevy
- Those overweight girls from “America’s Got Talent”
- David Hasslehoff.
